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Today's jokes [9.25.11]

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                    Do-It-Yourself Country-Western Song
     
   
I met her __________    _____;  I can still recall _________
             (1)        (2)                        (3)

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts


she wore; She was ______  _____,
                    (4)    (5)

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)      (7)        (8)

6.                                   7.                    8.
no guy would ever love her more      I promised her        stay with her
that she would be an easy score      I knew deep down      warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if       swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore    I told her shrink     change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"     The judge declared    punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore    My Pooh Bear said     live off her
it was a raven, nothing more         I shrieked in pain    have my rash
we really lost the last World War    The painters knew     stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said        hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for      My hamster thought    pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core      The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor    Her rabbi said        salivate


She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                (9)                               (10)

9.                            10.
our love would never die      run off
there was no other guy        wind up
man wasn't meant to fly       boogie
that Nixon didn't lie         yodel
her basset hound was shy      sky dive
that Rolaids made her high    turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye     freak out
she loved my one blue eye     blast off
her brother's name was Hy     make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"       black out
that birthdays made her cry   bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie     grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)        (12)

11.                       12.
with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked
  


1. 




A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out...I'm freakin' 
out...my pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there." 

2. 




What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? 

Beat it! We're closed...

3. 




TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The
followingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get
more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty
book
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.
on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

4. 




Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. 
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, 

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" 

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him 
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. 

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" 

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." 

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning 
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up 
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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