Today's jokes [9.13.11]
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There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.
This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just
go to work.
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at
the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after
you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a
snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french
fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly
sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the
bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what
incredible eyesight you have!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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