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Today's stories [8.20.11]

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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of
Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's
for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just
working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened
when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as
you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

1. 




Sign on a church bulletin board:

You aren't too bad to come in, You aren't good enough to stay out.


2. 




Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fee and interest on the monthly charge.
 
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
 
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
 
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
 
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
 
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
 
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
 
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
 
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"
 
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
 
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
 
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
 
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
 
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
 
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
 
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
 
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
 
After they get the fax:
 
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."
 
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
 
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
 
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
 
Citibank: "That might help."
 
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

 
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

3. 



BONUS! A random story from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




This guy was playing a game of texas holdem poker and had already lost 300 dollars when suddenly he looked down, and just next to the table he sees a little green leprechaun.
"Jus quit playing poker right now and I will give you a million dollars worth in a pot full of gold said the little green gentlemen.
The player replied, sure "just Let me get even first."


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