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Today's jokes [8.9.11]

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Two fags are on a picnic,and the first guy says,"I have to take a
dumpski,"and he walks into the woods to do it.
  Several minutes later,the other guy hears the first guy crying
"Boo Hoo,I Had A Miscarriage.I Had A Miscarriage."
  He runs into the woods to see what is going on.
  When he gets there,the first guy is still crying,"Boo-Hoo I Had A
Miscarriage...
   He looks down and says,"Don't be silly.You didn't have a miscarraige.You
had diarrhea on a toad."

1. 




A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens 
to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The 
first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this 
one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, 
"Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous 
Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.

2. 




   A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she
   sufferred from excessive
   flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done
   nothing about it until
   now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that
   took quite a while. At
   the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting
   here talking to you
   I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At
   this point, the Dr.
   scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the
   woman. "What's
   this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a
   prescription for a
   hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."
   


3. 




   Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
   indicating that
   "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
   boys and girls,"
   and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
   about this."
   So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
   bedroom,and closes the door.
   - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
   So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
   - ok, now take off my skirt...
   And he takes off her skirt.
   - now take off my bra.
   Which he does.
   - and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
   And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
   "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
   


4. 




A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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