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Today's jokes [8.4.11]

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What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater? 

     - "Thats the most violent book I've ever read." 


A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen 
floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! 
I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, 
"Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits." 


    Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our
   program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and
   brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job.
   We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might
   be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
   rewarding program?
   Check this out:
   * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of
   the hottest city in the world!
   * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
   * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
   * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
   Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former
   intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job
   answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the
   president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just
   fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being
   a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy
   national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and
   send it to the White House at [3] 
   Sex: F__
   Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
   How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot:
   ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:...
   You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy
   b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely
   Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th
   century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the
   leader of the free world
   You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli
   policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to
   My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting
   Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late
   nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White
   Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
   Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call
   soon, Uncle Sam wants you.
   *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
   interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity


Why I Fired My Secretary 

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. 

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. 

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room. 

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks. 


OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into
thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote
control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a
bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE
the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.


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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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