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Today's jokes [8.31.11]

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How is a man like a snow fall?

    -You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

1. 




A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he
sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A
nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean
spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and
asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that
determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.
By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That
same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time
washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that
string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the
string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.
Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.
Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back
in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use
the spoon." 

2. 




A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.
It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says..... 

     "Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?" 

The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back
at the little girl and winks.... 

     "When your mommy goes to the mall!" 

3. 




This is not meant to be crude.  It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers.  Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew."  Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant
mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".



4. 




   A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
   
   "What happened to you?" asked his wife.
   
   "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an
   escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt
   was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned
   around and punched me in the eye!"
   
   "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get
   the second black eye?"
   
   "Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I
   pushed it back in."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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