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Today's jokes [8.3.11]

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A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her
expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost as
big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he
followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife
retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape
measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas
grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on
his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little
weiner!"

1. 




Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The two
in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned -
they couldn't get the tailgate open!


2. 




   One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
   finding his mother in the
   kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
   He opens the door,
   and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
   lunch, stripped naked,
   on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
   Not wanting to
   traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
   Billy watches, and after a
   couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
   "Of course, Son,
   we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
   mother starts
   moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
   where me and the
   mailman usually falls off!"
   


3. 




Why doesn't Hillary wear short dress?

Her balls would show.

4. 




A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his, also a mute.  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I 
can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.  They
got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent
damage.  The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,
and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table.  I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a
broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle, he
'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor.  "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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