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Today's jokes [8.28.11]

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 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"

1. 




 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him
down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior
citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions
slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some
decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry
or become upset about it, but should just relax and
things will probably be completely fine and blah blah
blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first
begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning." 

2. 




One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding 
parents left us alone in the living room. 
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed 
her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I 
said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back 
again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

3. 




A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday
surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop
rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

    "What color?" they asked. He settled for white.

    "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
    "Very good," he thought. All that remained was
     the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

    "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?
     Grape fruits? Oranges?"

    "No," he said, "nothing like that."

    "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's
     bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said,
    "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

4. 




What does an elephant use as a vibrator? 

     An epilectic. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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