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Today's jokes [8.21.11]

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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a 
rectal thermometer?

The taste.

1. 




A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time." 


2. 




                            The Eighteen Bottles
     
   
      I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.  I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.  Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.  I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink.  I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
  


3. 




Three blondes were driving down the highway trying 
 to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read  'DisneyLand Left.' 
So they went home.

4. 




A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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