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Today's jokes [8.17.11]

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Some cows view each day as the last roundup,
others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.
Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity
to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

1. 




It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first
assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous
young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,
and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute
and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and
replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a
stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a
private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,
the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!" 

2. 




What is the meaning of "sanctity"?

It's french, for a lady with five breasts.


Sent by Darrell


3. 




One day an older fella was in for a checkup.
After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the
greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were
25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!
How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think
a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

4. 




The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, 

and the Lamaze class was in full swing.  The instructor was

teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with 

informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at 

this stage of the plan.  



The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for 

you.  Walking is especially beneficial.  And, gentlemen, it

wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your

partner!"



The room really got quiet.



Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.



"Yes," replied the teacher.



"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Sent by Katie-Anne 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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