Today's jokes [8.14.11]
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A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his
testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he
tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything
about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was
showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned
to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives
flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great.
Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?'
says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'"
They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women
are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from
their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting
with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling
"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend.
"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
Ever hear of the redneck who thought that "Manual Labor" was the new
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard,
saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well,
and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and
children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to
learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him,
even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred
to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with
one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he
said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks
of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record
has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a
high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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