Today's jokes [8.1.11]
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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by
herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the
dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the
compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning
to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says.
"How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts.
"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,
you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"
The South Takes a Cue from Oakland
Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and
Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed
to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.
Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"
and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics
has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For
example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise,
vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.
Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:
Can I help you?
Kin ah hip ewe?
Hi, I'm Don Fowler.
Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.
The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than
English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with
the sound of a short i.
For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and
Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form
of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in
Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:
Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.
I axed you a question, sukka.
Ah be smaht.
I be smarts now.
Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.
Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.
If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know
that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught
to kids in prep school.
And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's
probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.
Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language.
And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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