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Today's jokes [7.27.11]

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   An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
   While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has
   life been treating
   you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
   when I go to the
   bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the
   light off."
   While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her
   husband said. She
   replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
   


1. 




An actual mailing:

Greetings, 
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". 
As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor 
system. 
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this 
virus to everyone on your mailing list. 
Thank you for your cooperation.

2. 




More Jesse news... 

Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson 

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of 
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the
population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the 
anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through 
masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation,
and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, 
and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I 
wore condoms to avoid contamination. 

She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her 
fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and 
the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,
denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which
would require my hospitalization. 
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and 
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation 
will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation 
has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further 
provocation. 

Sincerely, 

The Rev. Jesse Jackson 

3. 




Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you
look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes
makes you look larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart
on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

4. 




A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman 
who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the 
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally 
bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually 
still alive.  She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the 
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket.  As they are walking, the husband cries out, 
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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