Today's jokes [7.26.11]
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At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=
drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I
can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled
by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet in
the Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared shitless too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
"...And the halftime score here at the Colleusium is Lions 7,
Christians Nothing. We'll be right back after these messages..."
New University Promos
It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The
the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they
just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash,
unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle
of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose
ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman
year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social
life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know?
How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of
living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does
the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in
jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future
hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the
chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL --
The Big Red Tape!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to
drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling
on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you
hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math
math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!
BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel
(but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your
elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination
enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a
piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the
advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all
your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot
because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that
matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea
of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie
canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!
The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.
The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could
row the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.
The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly last
that long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that
one of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.
The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he
would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.
After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumped
overboard and sank without trace.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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