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Today's jokes [7.20.11]

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What is the smartest blonde?

A golden retriever


What do jello and a woman have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.


   A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
   22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
   takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
   A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
   one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
   rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
   over, and I'll do you in the ass."
   The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
   trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
   After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
   staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
   He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
   bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
   moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
   "You know what to do."
   Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
   and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
   sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
   him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
   him and says,
   "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"


How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!


At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells 
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems 
and the resulting strategies. 
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, 
"Will we have to fight a World War Three?" 
"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. 
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. 
"The likelihood is that it will be China." 
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade 
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. 
How can we possibly win?" 
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is 
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the 
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews 
have been the winners every time." 
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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