Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [7.18.11]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark 
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend 
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as 
possible." 

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump." 

1. 




                             The Nice Guy Test
     
   
   Here is the much requested Nice Guy Test from Nice Guys Don't Get Laid
   by Marcus Pierce Meleton, Jr.
   
   Copywright 1993 by Sharkbait Press
   
1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?

A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up.  Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I'm late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it's a sixpack of
   beer
E. I take a knife


2."Women are special." Is this statement true?

A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them.  And
   I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged


3. Genreally, when a girl cancels out of a date...

A. NOT APPLICABLE.  I don't get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness.  The only excuse I'll accept is
   death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery


4. When I meet a girl, I...

A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off


5. I think women are...

A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedistal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth


6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process,
   blows your weekend.

A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs.  If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment


7. On Valentine's Day...

A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but recieve few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want.  I send no cards
   unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don't get any cards and I blame all women for it


8. I get dates...

A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive
   offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times.  My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort.  Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go.  Sometimes that just isn't enough


9. When I am at a bar...

A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out.  Of course, this is only if they let me in


10.  A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...

A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life


11. When I settle down...

A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
   kids
C. I might want to get married.  Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down.  The world is after me


12.  Marriage...

A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
   fool around
E. is impossible


13. If I ever got married I would...

A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
   to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men


14. I get laid...

A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
   year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never.  But I get screwed a lot


15. Look at your charge card bills.  Those related to women are...

A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay.  If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
   wrestling or a tractor pull.  Look on my date's credit card bill to see
   the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already.  You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad.  Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.

If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater.  They
are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you.  It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance.  The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.

famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap.  You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what
she is attracted to.  Women chew you up and spit you out.  You never get
laid.


If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it
made.  The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss
that can keep him interesting.  If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.

famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing
in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren't.  It depends on
the woman in question.  For men of this type, It means that you probably
want what you probably can't get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for
you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy.  If he is not attracted to you, he acts
like Mr. Abuse

famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women.  He is the one who gives the
least and gets the most.  Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be
controled from this source.  Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase,
the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life
worth living.

famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek,
James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O'Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo
Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO

You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum,
open the door, and let him make your day.  Mr. Psycho is as rare as
Mama's boy.  If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help
immediately.

famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David
Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.
  


2. 




Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly
dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to
give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10
hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried
to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly
exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from
down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, 
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick
Mr. Smith's boil!" 


3. 




Iraqi TV Guide 

MONDAY
8:00    Husseinfeld
8:30    Mad About Everything
9:00    Suddenly Sanctions
9:30    Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00    Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30    The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00    Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30    Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00    Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30    Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00    Just Shoot Me
9:30    Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00    Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30    M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00    Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30    My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00    Judge Saddam
8:30    Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00    Achmed's Creek
9:30    No-witness News

4. 




                         Certificate of Upgrade to
                                      
                              Complete Asshole
     
   





                    Certificate of Upgrade


                              to


                       Complete Asshole



                        is awarded to




-------------------------------------------------------------



In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss

People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total

Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many

Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others

During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own

Mind.


To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole

Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction.  If Anyone, For Any

Reason, Doubts Your Status,



                      JUST BE YOURSELF!




Effective Date _________________  Signed _____________________
  


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 July '11 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
               1  2  
3  4  5  6  7  8  9  
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 
31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.