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Today's jokes [7.15.11]

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I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.
My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is
like riding a bicycle.
I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling... 

1. 




First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip!

2. 




Q. Where is an elephants sex organ ?
A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked !


3. 




Conversation over dinner:

 WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
 MAN:   Definitely not!
 WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
 MAN:   Of course I do.
 WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
 MAN:   Okay, I'd get married again.
 WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
 MAN:   (makes audible groan)
 WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
 MAN:   Where else would we sleep?
 WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
        pictures of her?
 MAN:   That would seem like the proper thing to do.
 WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
 MAN:   She can't use them; she's left-handed.
 WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
 MAN:   Oh Shit.

4. 




The newly married man came home from work to find his new 
bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.

"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. 
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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