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Today's jokes [7.14.11]

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A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a 
big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all 
gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..." 

1. 




A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will
never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an
explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,
I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the
$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,
I sold 'em!" 

2. 




A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards
right down the middle. 

When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and
the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,
but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2
iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at
him. 

It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at
the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is
that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied,
"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

3. 




A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about
to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and
bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals
on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded
because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a
sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the
color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair
of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when
she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use any more?" 

4. 




   A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
   getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
   make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
   is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay
   with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
   mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
   marriage.
   
   Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
   he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
   just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay
   with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
   not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
   important than sex in a marriage.
   
   They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
   Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
   clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
   clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell
   to the floor.
   
   After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got
   married, why did you still faint?"
   
   The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
   
   The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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