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Today's jokes [7.10.11]

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A small boy was lost, so he went up to a
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" 

1. 




How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer 
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and 
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he 
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the 
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just 
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with 
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No 
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" 

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. 
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There 
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and 
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now 
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of 
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion 
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He 
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of 
the crowd. 

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, 
"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" 

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh 
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house 
from here!"

2. 




Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests 
came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks 
great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at 
peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the  night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith,  'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he 
said, "George is  just fine.  Physically he's great. But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets 
up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then 
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God!  He's peeing in the fridge again!"

3. 




A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. 
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto 
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not? I said, `No, sir.
Im too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
Im sticking this little baby up your ass." "So, did you jump?"
asked the father. 
"Well, a little, at first. 

4. 




If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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