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Today's jokes [6.5.11]

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Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?

She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.

1. 




What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl? 

- "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"

2. 




The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" 
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" 
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose 
interest!" 
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots 
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and 
lie still!" 

3. 




Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a 
strictly mathematical viewpoint it  goes like this: What makes 100%?  
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people 
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here¡¯s a little mathematical formula that 
might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M  N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented 
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take  you:
A-S-S¡ÖK-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and  Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

4. 




A Friend's Prayer

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who
screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

Amen

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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