Today's jokes [6.30.11]
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Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bed
She said "I must have been tight last night"
The Elephant said "You were the first time but second time was'nt so bad"
Sent by lcg
Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors,
how do you get out?
Sent by Cally
There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home
from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and
sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In
the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school
when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls
get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not
wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes
a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a
nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.
A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He
finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He
says in his scotish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya
won first prize."
Sent by Alvin
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest
and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the
Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I
am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted
on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know
about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a
married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition
and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man
replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex
were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Sent by Jesse
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on
Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up
and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with
a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini
van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,
"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of his
More sighs and applause.
Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,
"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,
whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we
could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,
'Fuck the rabbi.'"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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