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Today's jokes [6.23.11]

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A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side
of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the 
way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are 
you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."

1. 




A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes 
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.  She grabs a club and 
takes a mighty swing at the ball.  She hits a beautiful second shot, but 
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf 
bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the 
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand 
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically 
ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

2. 




There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they
lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose 
whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her 
skirt to show her thighs.  The butcher got the message and the lady went 
home with pork legs. 

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know 
how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her 
breast. The lady got what she wanted. 

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... 


What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

3. 




A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who 
had broken into his house the night before. 

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. 

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house 
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

4. 




This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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