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Today's jokes [6.17.11]

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Working With The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

1. 




What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?

Firetruck

2. 




What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a Playboy centerfold?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

3. 




The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

4. 




This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both 
lids up.

3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. 
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will 
self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from 
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will 
be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a Power "Wash" 
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no 
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where 
he will dry himself.


Sincerely,

THE DOG

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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