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Today's jokes [6.16.11]

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Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England of a visit.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asked the customs inspector.
"No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all."
"How long do you plan to stay?"
"Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks."
"By the way, where did you learn English?"
"From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio."

1. 




A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th 
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a 
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she 
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My 
Husband - Stiff At Last.'" 

2. 




Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. 
I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you 
know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

3. 




A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's 
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "Me."

4. 




An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the 
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and 
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.  After thirty 
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."  The First 
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"  "Your people bombed 
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."  "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese 
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Chinese, Japanese, 
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."  Another thirty 
minutes of silence.  Finally, the First Officer says: "No like 
Jew."  "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"  "Jews sink Titanic."  "The 
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."  "Iceberg, Goldberg, 
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

Sent by Renata

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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