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Today's jokes [6.13.11]

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Fred Dingaling

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides 
to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of
a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase 
on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose 
your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree 
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so
I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was
Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD.
"Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.

1. 




During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye 
and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her 
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your 
life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."

2. 




A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she
hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult
video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she
calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape
but static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which
title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

3. 




Wise men never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

4. 




A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have
gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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