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Today's poems [5.6.11]

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I'm Glad I'm a Man



 I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king
 I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings
 I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections
 I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions.

 I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell
 I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel
 I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such
 and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust.

 I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
 I'm not all bitchy, annoying and loud.
 I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
 My crdit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
 I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree
 I don't believe every ad with the word free

 I won't drink diet coke, or eat a rice cake.
 There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
 My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
 I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.
 
 It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
 I don't see the need to use the bathroom in pairs.
 I won't throw a tyrade and then blame PMS.
 I'm a man, and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.

 I have intuition, I never get lost.
 I share household duties, I won't try to be boss.
 I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class.
 I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

 I won't go out at night in a black leather skirt,
 Then slap anybody who just tries to flirt.
 You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
 To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.

 I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
 I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot."
 I'm a man of high faith, its my right to command.
 The bible and God say all women must serve under man.
 I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true--
 I'm glad I'm a man and not a woman like you.



1. 




I'm Glad I'm A Woman



 I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
 I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
 I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
 I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
 and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
 
 I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
 my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
 and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
 or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
 I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
 I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
 
 I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
 When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
 And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
 I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
 Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
 I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
 
 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
 I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
 I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
 stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
 or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
 then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
 
 Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
 you can forget all about that old penis envy
 I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
 join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!



2. 




Brian is an idiot!
 And everybody knows
 When he goes to bed at night
 He puts polish on his toes

 Brian is so stupid
 He sucks himself all day
 And when I went to a farm once
 And saw him eating hay

 Brian is a numbskull
 He loves a girl named Jade
 And he wanted her to kiss him so much
 Once he even paid



3. 




De Ebonics Crimmus Poem


Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;

I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

4. 




Ultimate Haiku



                                           The only problem
                                   with Haiku is that you just
                                        get started and then

                                                - Author unknown

5. 



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