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Today's jokes [5.16.11]

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No  bet, the steaks are too high."

1. 




Phone answering machine message:

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. 




Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

3. 




Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

4. 




A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked
her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he
was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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