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Today's jokes [5.1.11]

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A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken 
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" 
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off 
his secretary."

1. 




What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

2. 




   While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
   Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly
   unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
   quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
   
   "Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask
   that ?"
   
   "Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,
   "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."


3. 




   An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing
   hand, and one
   missing eye goes into a bar.
   The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What
   happened to your
   leg?"
   "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull
   me aboard, a shark
   bit it off."
   "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
   "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the
   attackees chopped it off
   with a saber."
   "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
   "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
   "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put
   your eye out."
   "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."
   


4. 




                        How To Give Your Cat a Pill
     
   
1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
    kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.
2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
    mouth with right forefinger.
4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)
5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
    over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
    mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
    your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
    doing. That's just as well.
6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.  If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.  Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
    and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
    anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9.  This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
    claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
    woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
  


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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