Today's jokes [4.8.11]
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The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's
been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not
worth so much celebrating!"
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with
another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put
his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said,
with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the
garage on fire."
A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and
dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed
the entire event.
"I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek.
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on
Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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