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Today's jokes [4.7.11]

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    A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
   ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
   hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
   good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
   the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
   his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
   said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
   state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
   showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
   a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
   out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
   Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
   Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
   the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
   you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
   more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
   warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
   the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
   hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
   "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"


1. 




   The Freudian Slip

   Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
   the train tickets to go
   see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a
   little funny. John
   said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take
   a few more sips
   of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying
   something he didnít
   mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís
   a name for that isnít
   there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you
   are trying to say
   something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it
   said Ted, I couldnít
   think of the word. Why are you asking said John?
   Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets
   for Pittsburg, and the girl
   selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the
   money and laid it on the
   counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had
   to embarrassingly
   say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit
   out of me. You ever
   done anything that stupid?
   ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and
   I...gosh, I guess
   weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I
   was reading the
   paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please
   pass me the
   sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my
   life.'"
   


2. 




   A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
   husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
   to be buried in a dark blue suit.
   
   He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
   that he's wearing?"
   
   But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
   check to buy one.
   
   When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
   and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
   much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
   
   He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
   happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
   wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
   asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
   a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
   heads."
   


3. 




        Two teachers at my high school started a practical joke war
that culminated in a junk mail war of huge proportions.  They
finally called a truce and got it cleared up and the mail stopped,
EXCEPT for the military mail that one had signed the other one up
for.  He wrote (honestly) that he had graduated from a fine college
and was interested in the Marines, Air Force, etc. etc.
        When I left, about two years after this, he was still
getting PHONE CALLS from 2-4 times a month.... they were VERY
persistant even over he (loud) objections that he was 45 and not
interested in a career change...



4. 




"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the 
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the 
housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might 
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent 
is paid up for six months!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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