Today's jokes [4.7.11]
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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
The Freudian Slip
Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
the train tickets to go
see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a
little funny. John
said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take
a few more sips
of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying
something he didnít
mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís
a name for that isnít
there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you
are trying to say
something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it
said Ted, I couldnít
think of the word. Why are you asking said John?
Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets
for Pittsburg, and the girl
selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the
money and laid it on the
counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had
say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit
out of me. You ever
done anything that stupid?
ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and
I...gosh, I guess
weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I
was reading the
paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please
pass me the
sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
Two teachers at my high school started a practical joke war
that culminated in a junk mail war of huge proportions. They
finally called a truce and got it cleared up and the mail stopped,
EXCEPT for the military mail that one had signed the other one up
for. He wrote (honestly) that he had graduated from a fine college
and was interested in the Marines, Air Force, etc. etc.
When I left, about two years after this, he was still
getting PHONE CALLS from 2-4 times a month.... they were VERY
persistant even over he (loud) objections that he was 45 and not
interested in a career change...
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the
housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent
is paid up for six months!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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