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Today's jokes [4.27.11]

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This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above 

"You will live to be 100." 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?". 

God said: "I didn't recognize you". 


1. 




What language do the Vatican Police speak?

Pig Latin!

2. 




Process-Oriented God



           If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like
                                              this:

             In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was
             without form and void, so God created a small committee.  He carefully
           balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
               status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
                    self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
                          Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

           And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."  And behold,
             the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
                  process empowerment.  And God thought it sounded pretty good.
                              And evening and morning were the second day.

           And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
               in long-term planning."  Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
           differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
           day.  Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
                                  the process was constructive.
                              And evening and morning were the third day.

            And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
               functional organization and engage in planning by objectives."  The
          committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
          to program directions, and God saw that this was good.  And God thought that
              it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
                                      And so ended the fourth day.

          And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
           strategy."  The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
            sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models.  And God saw that
                                    this was very democratic.
                  And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
            renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

          On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
          and evaluation.  This wasn't the agenda that God had planned.  He wasn't able
           to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
           and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
           seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human
                                             beings.

                  On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
           recommendations.  It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
             nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
           passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
           guidelines.  There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
                           have been created in the committee's image.

                  And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .



3. 




   On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim
   wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can
   still get into the skirts I had before we were married."
   
   "Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the
   ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."


4. 




I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!" 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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