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Today's jokes [4.21.11]

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How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team?



      Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.


1. 




   One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
   toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
   catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
   her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
   succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
   assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
   to go to hospital.
   
   As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
   her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
   said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit
   down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
   blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
   daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
   nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
   something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
   
   The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
   he's going to be when he grows older?!"
   
   The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
   


2. 




After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her
husband,
"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to
women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party
tonight?"

3. 




Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has
to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down
to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are
occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in
desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and
takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in
the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that
says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...
where is it?" 

4. 




"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend.  "She broke
down and told me she was bisexual.  Who the hell wants to 
screw just twice a year???"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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