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Today's jokes [4.19.11]

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   The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom
   approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on
   their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
   "No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her
   ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."


1. 




   A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this
   is a pretty well built
   guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a
   couple of drinks,
   curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the
   sailor why he had a normal
   sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I
   was involved in a naval
   battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted
   island in the middle of
   the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was
   walking on the
   beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I
   helped her get back
   to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first
   asked to be rescued
   off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that
   the rescue ship was
   on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a
   never ending roll of
   twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept
   pulling out 20s and
   putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this
   island for quite some time
   without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the
   waist down I'm a
   fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about
   it for a minute and said
   OK, how about a little head.
   


2. 




Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are
many people around, giving the impression that you are
very hard pressed.

3. 




One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!"
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and 
asked what they meant.  The startled parents did their best to get out of 
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each 
other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play.  Later that day the boy was 
watching his dad shave.  Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself.  The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly 
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using."  So the boy wandered 
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that 
evening.  As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and 
blurted out "Fuck".  Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated 
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!"  So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his 
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts
and dicks in the closet.  My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on 
his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey." 

4. 




   PUPPY LOVE

   A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs
   mating. The little boy
   asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son,
   they're making a
   puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went
   from his bed to get a
   glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked
   unannounced into his parents
   bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
   Confused, the boy
   asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly
   to his
   impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little
   brother. "The little boy
   replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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