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Today's jokes [4.15.11]

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A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going
into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"



1. 




   
   A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
   having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
   next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
   redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
   jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
   Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
   next!"


2. 




Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been 
for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife 
turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our 
savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run 
over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car 
rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down 
recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it 
all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

3. 




What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ??

It is known how many went down on the Titanic.



4. 




   Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved
   from across the bar.
   "Who is that babe?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like to get her
   spread out on my
   sheets." "No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a
   doughnut."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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