Today's jokes [4.13.11]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Age FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
A REDNECK BRINGS HIS DAUGHTER TO THE GYNOCOLOGIST FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
THE DR. ASKS,"IS YOUR DAUGHTER SEXUALLY ACTIVE?"
THE REDNECK SAYS,"NAW, SHE JUST LAYS THERE LIKE HER MOTHER.
Sent by BOBBY
Father Goose Story No. 3
A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph
the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird. On the way he attempts to hire
porters from a tribe of Pygmys. They warn him of the dreaded curse on all
who look upon the bird and refuse to join. Undaunted the intrepid photographer
continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.
After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river.
In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off
a shot. No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foos
congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.
The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing. He frantically
tries to get the stuff off but to no avail. Finally in desperation, he throws
himself into the river. A large crocodile promptly eats him.
It the foo shits, wear it.
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30