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Today's jokes [4.10.11]

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Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

1. 




What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum???

Answer:  The position of the dirtbag!

2. 




Q.  What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?

A.  "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"

3. 




Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

4. 




Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?



    As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man.  His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1.  Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  If so, give yourself five points.
2.  Can you lock your knees in an upright position?  If not, take five
    points.
3.  Got a chin?  If the answer is no, add three points.
4.  How about a forehead?  If not, add another three points.
5.  Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Then give yourself
    five points.
6.  Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth?  If you do, add ten
    points.
7.  Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
    in a chair?  Take five points.
8.  Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, add one point for
    every five degrees of slope.
9.  Less than five feet tall?  Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
    inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed?  Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club?  You're
    normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
    an apple?  Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way?  Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?  Give
    yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
    Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"?  Three points.

Scoring
  0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens.  Feel free to build
               bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
 20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
               have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
               fours and whooping wildly.  If you live in California, no one
               will notice.
 40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
               avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
               you away.
 60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant.  You should consider
               a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
               place for you in human society.  Try running for public office
               instead.



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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