Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's stories [3.13.11]

Vote for the story that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to story categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your story reading.


Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day! 

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He 
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. 

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, 
who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.  Needless to say, 
she won. 

Hi Sue, 

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had 
bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, 
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's 
not so bad after all. 

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with 
a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the 
bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit. 

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm 
is this:  We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This 
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a 
delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a 
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn 
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, 
when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff 
it down the back of my wetsuit.  This floods my whole suit with warm 
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. 

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to 
itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. 
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from 
my 
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.  
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my 
suit. 

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't 
stick to it.  However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I 
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the 
jellyfish into my ass. 

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted 
the dive. 

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops 
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber 
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing 
but my brass helmet. 

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter 
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub 
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. 

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my 
asshole was swollen shut. 

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much 
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass! 

Tight lines and calm seas, 
Richard 

1. 




Dear All,

The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism 
and we're encouraging to demonstrate against the terrorists this Friday 
at 15:00 hours.

It is a well-known fact that the terrorists are against alcohol 
consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman. Therefore, 
at 15:00 this Friday, all women should run naked through the office while 
men chase them with a beer in their hands. This, we are told, is the best 
way to show our disgust for the fanatics and will hopefully help us in 
detecting the terrorists among us.

Remember, you are either with us ... or against us. Your efforts are much 
appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.

Thank you.

2. 




It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the 
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, 
and I saw a little boy staring in at me.  "Is that a dog you got back 
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me 
and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

3. 



BONUS! A random story from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




This guy was playing a game of texas holdem poker and had already lost 300 dollars when suddenly he looked down, and just next to the table he sees a little green leprechaun.
"Jus quit playing poker right now and I will give you a million dollars worth in a pot full of gold said the little green gentlemen.
The player replied, sure "just Let me get even first."


By voting you are helping select today's best story. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best stories to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Jokes
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 March '11 Stories Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
      1  2  3  4  5  
6  7  8  9  10 11 12 
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 
27 28 29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.