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Today's jokes [3.8.11]

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How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.
 
Sent by Alex

1. 




ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO 
DISCOVERER: ADAM 
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 

Common Uses: 

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. 

Tests: 

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards: 

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.

2. 




    Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's
   got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
   "What's in the bags?"
   "Sand," answered Juan.
   The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
   The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
   finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the
   sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
   the bags.
   The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto
   the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
   A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
   got?"
   "Sand," says Juan.
   The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
   contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
   crosses the border on his bicycle.
   This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
   Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
   Cantina in Mexico.
   "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
   It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
   I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
   Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


3. 




My wife and I are into S & M

She Sleeps and I masturbate


Sent by Richard

4. 




   Guilty

   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
   There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
   corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
   his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
   convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
   jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
   his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
   will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
   courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
   minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
   made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
   anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
   doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
   return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
   to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
   representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
   lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
   door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
   didn't."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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