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Today's jokes [3.4.11]

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What is the definition of ultimate rejection? 

     Your hand falling asleep while masturbating. 

1. 




Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself."  The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God.  Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."



2. 




Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic
young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over
the pulpit and boomed,

"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have
committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of
your mouf!"


3. 




Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

4. 




This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet.  So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it 
in a flash.  When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied 
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, 
purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over.  They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed 
off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any 
of the usual dog tricks, as well.  This stopped the couple cold, as they 
hadn't thought about "normal"  tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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