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Today's jokes [3.31.11]

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I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

1. 




Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married.
I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to
wear."

The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

2. 




What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath? 

     Throw in your laundry. 

3. 




    How Smart Are You?
   ------------------
   20 Correct - Genius
   17 Correct - Above Normal
   15 Correct - Normal
   8 Correct - Nincompoop
   6 Correct - Moron
   3 Correct - Idiot
   QUESTIONS
   1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
   2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
   3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
   4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
   but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
   5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
   6. How many outs are there in an inning?
   7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
   Why?
   8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
   of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
   9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
   10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
   exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
   11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
   12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
   are the coins?
   13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
   was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
   one would you light first?
   14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
   15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
   hour. How long would the pills last?
   16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
   17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
   18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
   19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
   20. What was the President's name in 1950?
   ****************** Answers ****************
   1. Yes
   2. One
   3. All of them (12)
   4. The beggar is her sister.
   5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
   6. 6
   7. No - because he is dead.
   8. They aren't playing each other.
   9. 70
   10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
   11. 2
   12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
   13. The match.
   14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
   15. 1 Hour
   16. 9
   17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
   18. Meat
   19. 12
   20. Same as it is now.


4. 




Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young 
woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady 
whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A
moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. 
"Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. 
You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a
professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred
dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and
I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like 
you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go 
upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's 
something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish,
I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty
percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any
profit!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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