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Today's jokes [3.29.11]

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The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. 
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. 
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar. 
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." 
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

1. 




Did you know Sex is a crime?

Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..

2. 




   Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to
   their position in life,
   and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one
   says, "My husband is
   taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then
   looks at the others
   with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just
   bought me a new
   Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number
   three says,
   "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and
   we don't have
   many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
   husband is that
   fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
   After this, the first one
   looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I
   was just trying to
   impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well,
   it's not to the French
   Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The
   second one says,
   "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
   "Well, I've got a
   confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one
   leg."
   


3. 




                  Politically Correct Feminine Terminology
     
   
from aperreat@saunix.sau.edu:

        Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you
would offend the person standing near you?...NOT.   Well, if you are, then
here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not:                     An airhead
She is:                         Reality Impaired

She is not:                     A Bleached Blond
She is:                         Peroxide Dependant

She is not:                     A babe or chick
She is:                         A Breasted American

She does not have:              Major league hooters
She is:                         Pectorally Superior

She does not have:              A Great Tan
She is:                         Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to:             Score or pick her up
You want to:                    Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not:                     A perfect 10
She is:                         Numerically Superior

She does not have:              A great butt
She has:                        A Superior Posterior

If she does not want to get:    Married or hitched
She does not want:              Domestic Incarceration

She is not:                     Half naked
She is:                         Wardrobe Impaired

She does not have:              A perfect body
She is:                         Anatomically Gifted

She is not:                     Drunk or tipsy
She is:                         Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not:                     Small or short
She is:                         Vertically Challenged
  


4. 




Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from
school. 

 Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow." 

"Why not?" asks Joey. 

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully. 

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you
sick?" 

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision." 

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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