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Today's jokes [3.28.11]

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A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.
Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the
pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began
tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the
pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending
his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.
 As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for
what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please
make this bear a Christian".
 Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell
to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and
said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

1. 




In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the
regulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'em
out".Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guy
walks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for
him.The gay  guy replies "i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffett
first"

2. 




   When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake
   City, Utah, a woman
   told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the
   Mormon religion
   where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's
   true," he replied, "as
   a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."
   "How
   disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such
   practices should be against
   the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said,
   "Yes, mam I am."
   


3. 




How do you get a man to do situps?

Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

4. 




Three girls died and were brought to the gates of
heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted
by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you
must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?",
they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",
he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got
married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I
got married but was not after I got married." "Very good",
said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with
every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,
anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
my room key."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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