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Today's jokes [3.27.11]

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While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke 
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone 
by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink 
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. 

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her 
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. 

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to 
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of 
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another 
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your 
husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her 
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

1. 




Application to Live in Kentucky



Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________

CB Handle Model:_____________________  Color:______________

Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________

Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________

Mamma:_________________________

Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____

Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________

Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes   ____Load of Wood  ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon            ____Camper Top          ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog             ____Hunting Rifle

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____

BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco      ____Wave if you're horny
____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
____I Brake For Nuthin'         ____National Rifle Association

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater
2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie
4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:

____Reba McEntire       ____Conway Twitty       ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr.   ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette       ____Slim Whitman        ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson       ____George Jones        ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:

____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'      ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin'            ____Spittin' Backy      ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'            ____Other

Name of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.
                  ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee    ____Duke

Name of Daughter(s):  ____PammySue   ____Violet   ____Paulette   ____Daisy

Weapons Owned:

___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun    ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron      ___Power Chain Saw      ___Pick Handle  ___Hick'ry Switch

Number of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle
                                ___Black & Tan  ___Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem:     ___John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
                ___Vo-Tech      ___Skoal                ___Coors
                ___NAPA         ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
                ___N.R.A.       ___Redman               ____Kodiak

Number of Dependends:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________

Memberships:

___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club     ___AA
___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society

Length of Right leg:________              Length of Left leg:__________

Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____  Number of Testicles Left____

Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red?  ___Yes    ___No

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______

How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________

Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________

Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________

What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________

Are you married to any of the following:

____Sister      ____Cousin      ____Sow

Do you know her name?________________

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________

If so, why?______________________________________________________________

Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
                To 21 with your fly up?_____________________

Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________

Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:

___BO           ___Crabs        ___Head Lice    ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath   ___Chafing


IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE
ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE
SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.



2. 




A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his 
father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out
a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard
a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's 
feet.
"What's this," she asked.
"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!" 

3. 




Politically Correct

                                 Little Red Riding Hood



There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but
I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely
valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house.
 
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your
role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.  "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.  "If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own 
abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!  This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.  "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a trauma.  Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

                                   Thomas E. Maloney



4. 




I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, think
about it --  if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handles
by now?

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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