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Today's jokes [3.21.11]

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"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in
common," said the new tenant's neighbor.  "Why on earth
did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',"
was the reply.  "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

1. 




   Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to
   heaven?
   Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.


2. 




   This practical joke is hearsay.  A fellow student some years ago
   related the following.  Apparently another student was a bit of
   a braggar.  His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
   was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.

   So it began one evening.  Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
   each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank.  Wait for the
   story each day to get better and better.  Repeat until it cannot
   be taken any more.  I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.

   Finally the moment (days) of truth.  Each night for 2 weeks,
   the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
   the victim's tank.  It was amazingly effective at reducing some
   of the stories.  I suspect the truth was never revealed to the
   victim.
  


3. 




Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
             undertaker. 

4. 




Homer:  Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart:   Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer:  Why you little -- !

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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