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Today's jokes [3.2.11]

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   A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY
   that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's
   right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as
   earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the
   program outline.
   FIRST YEAR:
   Autumn Schedule
   MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
   MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
   MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
   MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
   Winter Schedule
   MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
   MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
   MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
   EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
   ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers
   Spring Schedule
   MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
   MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
   MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
   MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
   ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)
   SECOND YEAR:
   Autumn Schedule
   SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
   SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
   MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
   MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
   ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)
   Winter Schedule
   MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
   MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
   MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
   MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
   MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
   Spring Schedule
   MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
   MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
   MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
   MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
   MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2
   Course Electives
   EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
   EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
   EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
   MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
   MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
   MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
   ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)


1. 




The Story of Micro and Mini



Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked his
Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when
he noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL and
a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over
the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating
point processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," she
responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over
her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I've
been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my
disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, he
was  analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He
finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but
Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.
Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processor
of it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted an
escape sequence ....

"No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded."

"Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt."

"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Mini
soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of is
HEX."



2. 




Proctologists



      Of all the professions we fear, one stands out.  No, it's not
 "mortician;" by then it's too late.  This is a word that makes a
 certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation.  Yes, the word is
 "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word!  The mere mention of the word
 strikes terror deep inside most of us.  9 1/2 of every 10 adults
 would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger.  (Source: I
 Made It Up Survey)  The other half is into that sort of thing.

   Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass."  Did you
 ever wonder who was the first proctologist?  My research shows it was
 Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
 boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life
 to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is
 taken, I'll start at the other end."

    Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
 After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash-
 ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
 left hand.  He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc,
 I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it?  But he's
 one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political
 convention.

    Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
 jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here.  I have given a
 considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
 people's concept of these doctors of the down under.

 o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
   tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
   their fingernails removed.
 o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
   of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
   exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
 o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
     "Let our fingers do the walking."
     "We'll bend over backwards for you."
     "Please, take my seat."
     "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning."
     "It looks like the End."
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
   like:
      "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar."
      "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you."
      "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!"
      "Yes, I see a family resemblance."
      "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low."
      "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..."
      "Out of K-Y Jelly?  Oh well, let's do a dry run."
      "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet."
      "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove."
      "How long have you had this crack in your butt?"
      "I see you had pizza last night."
      "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?"
      "Ah, you must be gay."
      "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?"
      "Ooops, I think I lost my  watch."
      "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!"
      "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my  bill."
      "Gee, I hope I can get this out."
      "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?"
      "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu



3. 




Age       Sport
        17         sex
        25         sex
        35         sex
        48         sex
        66         napping

4. 




Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head
stuck.  The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the
other:
"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and 
starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When 
he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants 
some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs 
down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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