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Today's jokes [3.16.11]

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This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get 
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, 
and says, "I'll be home in an hour." 

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him 
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and 
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no 
wife? 

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I 
won't be there for about an hour and a half." 

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I 
do?" he asks. 

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you 
have a housekeeper around?" 

"Yes" the man replied. 

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said 
the Doctor. 

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra 
with the housekeeper..."

1. 




Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his 

buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off 

to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well 

his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him.  He finds

him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The 

first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up 

and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says

"Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"


2. 




Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a 
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She 
opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person 
looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one. So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.
"You dumbass -- that's ME!

3. 




A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the 
psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."



4. 




An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first 
saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a 
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here 
lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a 
my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no 
lickety split!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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