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Today's jokes [3.15.11]

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Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?

It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

1. 




   Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was
   returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies.
   Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and
   dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife.
   Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a
   sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely
   clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear ?"
   
   Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer
   shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God !"
   he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed !"


2. 




A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who
died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged
23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

3. 




A woman recently lost her husband.  She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
BlowJob I promised you?  Here it comes..."

4. 




This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's 
pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the
dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries
its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, 
hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?".
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day.
But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him
back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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