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Today's jokes [2.8.11]

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Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?

It may never be proven but they think she may be the
youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency. 

1. 




A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't 
usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty 
woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to 
her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever 
helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

2. 




The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundreds
of people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.
He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."
Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."
He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when he
accidentally drops the watch.
He says, "Shit."
It took them two weeks to dig everybody out. 


3. 




A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE
WORLD"
No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced
during the survey's implementation:

1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

4. 




When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." 

"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. 

"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." 

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." 

"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." 

"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" 

"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. 

"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." 

"And that's when you took my name in vain?" 

"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." 

"So, that is when you took my name in vain?" 

"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole..." 

"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!" 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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