Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [2.6.11]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have 
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them 
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her 
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!" 

1. 




Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street
interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said.  "I
don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said.  "Only I know
them all."



2. 




This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after 
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix 
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one 
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible 
hand when she notices the time. 

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to 
be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her 
friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not 
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the 
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. 
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and 
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling 
up. 

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then 
she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best 
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You 
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night 
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this 
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and 
they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your 
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and 
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women 
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being 
so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that 
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit 
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your 
husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel 
when he was licking his ass."

3. 




What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

1 U.S. leader 


4. 




A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street 
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop 
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously 
drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm 
drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I 
thought I was a cripple."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 February '11 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
      1  2  3  4  5  
6  7  8  9  10 11 12 
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 
27 28 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.