Today's jokes [2.4.11]
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A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
Definition of Programmer
A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after
innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with
micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive
documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding
a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information
in the first place.
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me
face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn
around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank
you very much!"
One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume
party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the
doorman would announce what there characters were.
When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane"
and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of
underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having
ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the
local university CS department The doorman asked "How
shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"
"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I
cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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